The end of the beginning

I had a good morning. I woke up, which is a plus. I also didn’t feel psycho for once. I’ve been taking medications for the past 3.5 months that don’t make me feel sane at all. I will have to get into that eventually.

I got to work, did my wonderful duty of unloading school children from their parents vehicles. I don’t say this sarcastically, as I truly love my school kids. I’ve been doing this job for the past 3 school years and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I have an administrative job in family services at my school. When I came here, I felt like it was and is my true calling. The administrative portion of it can get tedious and sometimes overwhelming but I know at the end of the day, it’s for my kid’s benefit. That keeps me going.

Anyways, I must finish my introduction. As I said before, I had finally started dating my life partner. We were inseparable. LB was in-love with him and he was in-love with her. They were like pea’s in a pod. HT didn’t mind either way. He is a mama’s boy 100%. At the time, he was just a toddler and didn’t care about anything but being the baby. It was hard adjusting to the “divorcee schedule” of shipping my babies off every other weekend. That took a long time to get used to. Holidays were the hardest. To this day, it is hard. I try to avoid speaking about my children’s dad. Things at the time were terrible. Like I said, Rudy and I had to get through a lot. Thank God, for the sake of everyone, things are finally better. I have nothing negative to say, and I will rarely mention that part of my life. I am grateful my children have so many people to love and support them. They are happy, beautiful, healthy, and smart! I couldn’t possibly ask for any more.

At some point in our relationship, we decided to “not try” to prevent pregnancy. I thought it was going to go great and be “easy”. I got my Nexplanon implant (a form of birth control) taken out and we got busy. We had a series of big events happen that year. Although I was upset that we weren’t getting pregnant, I just tried to forget about it, as things weren’t at a calm point. We eventually tried harder. Timing,  ovulation tests, basal temps, different fertility supplements and products. Negative test, after negative test just became more and more discouraging. I finally got referred out to a fertility specialist. He ordered some tests…

Then tragedy struck..Trey had been murdered. Trey was one of Rudy’s very best friend’s. My mom called asking if we had heard from Trey. I asked Rudy and he looked alarmed. Neither of us had heard from him since he moved to West Texas the month before. The last time we saw him was out at Back Porch ( a local restaurant), on the night before he left to West Texas. Some monsters there took his life… our lives were changed when we got word that they found his body. I tried to be supportive but Rudy was crushed. This all panned out over October-December 2014. Trey’s memory is still strong in our home. We visit his parents regularly. They have become part of my family. Sort of like my “moms” are to me. They are “common-law” parents that I just inherited over the years. I’ve never met anyone stronger than them.

December 18th, 2014…FINALLY! He finally “popped the question” in the very same restaurant where we last saw Trey. His family was there and my children were there. I was completely shocked. I had nagged and nagged for this day to come. When I had just started to feel comfortable being “just the girlfriend” it finally happened and I couldn’t have been any more excited.

June 4 of 2015.The morning of my HSG test was scary.   My kids were with their dad, my soon-to-be sister-in-law came with me to Tyler. I asked her to stay in the car as it wouldn’t take long. I had read that this test will help unblock any clogs in the Fallopian tubes so we could have our baby that we had been trying for.

It felt like death when he said “both of your tubes are damaged beyond any possible repair. We will need to remove them surgically”. I remember trembling with shock and pain. “You also tested positive for MTHFR gene mutation and you will need to take this medication the rest of your life”.  I couldn’t even ask many questions because I just couldn’t believe it. My dreams were future husband would not get his own children. Would he still want me? Did I want to subject him to this  failure? He would be happier with someone who could actually give him his own family… I ran to my car and began to release all of my pain. I sobbed while my fiance’s sister hugged me. I couldn’t even spit the words out. I didn’t want to talk to Rudy…I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to crawl under a rock and wither away. The one job that I was supposed to do, was to conceive children. I was not a woman anymore…I went back and forth with myself feeling grateful for the children I have or feeling guilty for not being able to bare children for my future husband.

July 2015. I had my Fallopian tubes both surgically removed. The pictures were terrible. They were inflamed, deformed and black. It was a wonder I wasn’t in more pain. One of my ovaries had endometriosis on it and it was stuck to my colon. I was instructed to take it easy for a few weeks. My only option at this point to get pregnant was IVF.

To be continued….


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